


Shattered Dreams - An Ikuya Hospital AU

by ImmediatelyWriting



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty Ikuya, Caretaking, Comatose, Comatose Ikuya, Dependence - Freeform, Drinking, Drowning, Drunk Natsuya, Drunkenness, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fanfiction, First Aid, Free! Dive to the Future, Free! Eternal Summer, Free! Starting Days, Free! Swim Club, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, HiyoIku, Hiyori reading Ikuya, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, IC, Independence, Inspired by Free!, Intensive care, Little Mermaid, Male Friendship, Medical, Medical Conditions, Medical Examination, Medical Trauma, No Romance, No Sex, No Smut, Pain, Reading Aloud, Slight HiyoIku, Slight NatsuNao, Sweet, Swimming, Swimming Boys, Swimming Pools, free! Iwatobi, natsunao, oxygen, slight shipping, vegetative state
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-22 11:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22615645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmediatelyWriting/pseuds/ImmediatelyWriting
Summary: “It happened again!Ikuya over-trained for the third time. He nearly drowned, again. This time it seems worse than normally.Sorry, for letting this happen again. This is all my fault, I wasn’t there in time.”After another reckless swimtraining Ikuya ends up in the hospital.While he has to fight hard to stay alive, Hiyori beats himself up for not being able to save Ikuya in time. And Natsuya deals with the grief of seeing his younger brother in such a weak state – not knowing whether he’ll survive.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	1. My Little Brother

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

****

_“It happened again!_

_Ikuya over-trained for the third time, Natsuya. He nearly drowned, again. This time it seems worse than normally._

_We’re at the hospital now. They’re running some tests on Ikuya, but I have no idea if he woke up already – he was unconscious when we got here._

_Can you get here within an hour? I think it’s important for you to be here when they have the test results._

_Sorry, Natsuya, for letting this happen again. This is all my fault, I wasn’t there in time._

_Please make sure you get here soon, I’ll explain everything.”_

A lump appears in my throat as I read the message Hiyori send me.

Again, Ikuya was too reckless. And again, I wasn’t there to save him as soon as he goes underwater.

I stare at my phone. My hands are shaking and so is my breath.

“Nao,” I say, probably just loud enough that Nao can hear me.

His voice sounds from the kitchen, he was just making us some tea. “Yes?”

It’s the first time in weeks Nao and I both have time to chat and now I have to tell my best friend I have to leave because my little brother hurt himself. I hate to do this, but Ikuya needs me right now.

“I suddenly have to leave,” I explain. “I’m sorry.”

Dizziness hits me when I get up from the couch at Nao’s. He runs towards me when he notices I’m losing my balance.

“Be careful,” he quietly says as he helps me sit back down. “Are you okay? You look terrible, is something wrong?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Of course Nao’s not going to let me leave when I’m like this, because I probably look like I’m going to faint any moment. And honestly, I feel like that as well.

“It’s Ikuya,” I tell him and when I open my eyes I see a worrying look on Nao’s face.

“What?”

“He trained recklessly again.” My entire body is shaking at the thought of my little brother getting himself in the hospital again. Maybe this time it is worse, like Hiyori said. Maybe this time the damage is irreversible, unlike any other time this happened.

Nao nods, but I can’t see if he’s just worried or disappointed as well.

“I get it,” he answers, followed by a sad smile. “Good luck, will you let me know when you know more?”

I nod.

Nao steps back to lead me to the door, even though I already know where to find the front door in his little apartment.

I thank him for his understanding before getting in the first cab I can find.

“Where to?” the driver asks without even looking at me.

I take a deep breath and answer, “Tokyo Medical Center, please.”

The drive to the hospital is an actual nightmare. It’s so crowded on the streets during these evening traffic jams.

Eventually we get there, but I already know I didn’t make it there within an hour.

When I rush through the huge sliding doors, I almost immediately see Hiyori pacing up and down the waiting room. His eyes go big when he notices me walking in.

His voice squeaks a little when he says, “Natsuya, you’re here.”

I nod once, before sitting down and asking, “So, what happened?”

Hiyori turns his head away, but keeps walking circles through the room.

“We were at the pool and I don’t really know what happened.” His voice is shaking, as if he’s scared of how I’ll reply. “I was getting us some water and when I got back to the swimming pool I already was too late, he had already been underwater for lord knows how long.”

I listen as Hiyori continues to explain how he dragged Ikuya from the pool and how he reanimated him until the ambulance arrived.

“He was still unconscious when we got here, so I don’t know how he’s doing right now,” he tells me afterwards. “I’m so sorry for letting this happen.”

I shake my head slowly and let my head rest in my hands.

Hiyori did everything he could and now he still feels the need to apologize, all because I wasn’t there to save Ikuya myself. It’s my task to take care of my little brother, not his.

“It’s okay,” I mumble, not even sure if Hiyori can hear me. “Thank you.”

It stays completely silent until a deep male voice says, “Ehm, Hiyori Toono and Natsuya Kirishima?”

I look up, a older man dressed in white clothes stands in the doorway looking around the waiting room.

“Yes,” I reply and I get up.

Hiyori follows my example and walks up to the man as well.

“I’m Yuuma Yoshida,” the man introduces himself. “I have the test results on Ikuya Kirishima.” After telling us, he gestures that we should follow him.

He leads us to a small office filled with a desk, three white chairs and a computer.

I take a seat, so do Hiyori and Yoshida.

“I understand you’re young Kirishima’s older brother?” Yoshida asks while looking at me.

I nod and answer, “That’s correct.” I pause, letting a silence enter. “How’s Ikuya doing?”

Yoshida looks down at a beige file, which has Ikuya’s name on it. He looks slightly nervous, but certain of what he’s going to tell us at the same time.

“Well, you’re brother suffered from a lack of oxygen when he nearly drowned this afternoon,” he explains. “I take you already knew this.”

Again, I nod.

“We’ve ran some tests, made some scans.” He pauses. “And I’m sorry to say, this doesn’t look good.”

My breath jolts, but I try to keep myself calm. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds, maybe Ikuya’s alright.

“To start off, you’re brother hasn’t woken up yet, and I don’t know when and _if_ this will happen. His breathing is very shallow and his heartbeat is faint.” He glances at the file quickly. “The brain scans showed minor brain activity. It’s hard to tell how much damage has been done to his brain.”

Trying to get the lump from my throat appears to be harder than I thought. When this happened last time, I hoped Ikuya learned his lesson. I hoped he’d stop training recklessly.

I look down at my lap, at my shaking hands.

“We’re trying everything we can to help your brother,” he continues. “But right now, all we can do is make sure he keeps breathing and hope for him to wake up.”

I nod, slowly.

“Can I see Ikuya?” I ask and I look up at Yoshida.

Of course, he nods. He can’t keep me from seeing my younger brother.

So, he tells me I can go and that Hiyori can’t because he’s no family. After, I follow him to a room in the IC.

The room has white walls and there’s a bed against the wall surrounded by all sorts of medical things – heart monitor, IV drip, ventilator, etc. – and in the bed… There’s Ikuya.

I take a step closer to see my little brother lying in the bed, tucked in with a pale blue blanket. His chest goes up and down slowly as air gets shoved into his lungs using a thick tube entering his body through his mouth.

His mouth is slightly opened where the tube enters and I’m almost sure he’s drooling on his pillow.

It’s terrible to see him like this.

His skin is so pale, it’s almost grey. And his lips and nails are a blue-ish purple.

I close my eyes and nod when Yoshida says, “I’ll leave you alone for now, feel free to stay for as long as you want.” The door closes silently not long after.

My little brother, attached to all those machines, just barely alive. It just hurts to even look at him when he’s like this.

They weren’t lying, it is worse than any other time. Ikuya ended up in the hospital a few times, but he never had to be hooked up to machines and drugged up on painkillers through an IV drip this badly.

I carefully sit down on the edge of Ikuya’s bed. His face is turned to me, half covered by his teal hair. As I try to get his hair from his face, the back of my hand strokes past his cheek. It’s so cold, it’s like he’s already gone.

My breath jolts when I realize how close to death Ikuya is right now. Maybe he won’t wake up this time… _No! I can’t think like that!_

I shake away the thought and sigh.

All I can do is staying optimistic, I can’t – I won’t – give up on my little brother.

So, I sit there, my hand on Ikuya’s pale, cold cheek… and I lean in closer to whisper in his ear, “Promise me… Ikuya, promise you’ll wake up.”


	2. My Breath in His Lungs

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

****

****

The cold bed sheets under my exhausted body. And my head hiding behind my arms. I’m shaking, sobbing… but why now? Why not earlier?

It’s okay to cry, right? I mean, my best friend’s in the hospital because I couldn’t do my job of keeping him save.

So, it’s okay I’m sad.

Everyone would cry they had to drag their best friend from a pool because they almost drowned.

I carefully form my hands to fists. My nails carve into the palms of my hands as another sob escapes from my mouth.

My hands. A few years ago they were shaking Ikuya’s when meeting him for the first time, a few weeks ago they were handing money to a lady behind the desk when buying Ikuya a drink… and today they were pressing and rubbing onto Ikuya’s chest to keep his heart beating. My hands are one of the reasons Ikuya’s still alive.

My fingers slowly move to my mouth, carefully stroking the places where Ikuya’s have touched mine.

I remember no hesitation before pressing my lips against Ikuya’s and blowing air into his lungs. My breath was in his lungs, the air coming from me saved his live.

Not long after the nurses appeared, shoving a tube attached to a bag into his throat. It hurt to see Ikuya getting oxygen that way. For the entire way to the hospital his chest was moving up and down so faintly.

But it was okay, I think, because I was there holding his hand. His grip wasn’t there, his muscles completely numb and his hand weakly lying in mine.

Some moments of today, I wished I’d walked to the hospital instead of being there with him in the ambulance. Because his pupils just barely reacting to light, his heartbeat so weak and his breathe so feeble… I just wish I didn’t have to see it over and over again in my memories.

A tear runs down my cheek as I wonder what happened if I wasn’t there.

What if someone else was there? Natsuya, a teammate from the swim team or it could’ve even been that Haruka Nanase who tried to save him.

Would Ikuya have survived if I hadn’t been there with him, if he hadn’t known me?

Or maybe, if someone else was there instead of me, he would be in swimming pool already by tomorrow. But now, in this timeline where I was there for him just barely in time, he won’t be swimming tomorrow.

I doubt he’ll even swim ever again. Some moments today I even had doubt he’ll actually wake up this time.

I sure hope he’ll wake up. I hope I’ll be able to look in his amber eyes and see a smile on his soft lips, even if it’s just for one more time.

But I’m afraid… This time, he might’ve gone way too far.


	3. Okay? Okay.

**Nao Serizawa**

I grunt when the sound of knocking echoes through my apartment.

One glance at my clock – three AM – and I already know this can’t be anything good. No one would come to my house this late if it wasn’t for a serious business.

I slowly move to the door while yawning.

When the door opens I see Natsuya. He looks exhausted, but in the bad lighting I can’t see whether he’s just tired or he has been crying.

“Natsuya?” I ask, surprised to see him at my house this late. “Ehm, why don’t you come inside, it’s cold.”

He nods and walks past me without saying anything. He’s so silent, and he looks depressed. I have seen him being sad before, but not like this.

“What happened?” I ask, while following him to the living room where he flops down onto my couch.

He mumbles something inaudible, followed by a silent sob. A sign of weakness, I haven’t heard coming from Natsuya’s mouth in a long time. He’s always so cheerful, okay sometimes he a little worried about things, but not so often anymore lately.

It worries me to see him this depressed. It means something has actually gone really wrong with Ikuya. Maybe Ikuya’s doing worse than before, or they fought, but when I ask Natsuya he ignores me.

I sit down beside him, silently waiting until he’s ready to reply. Which, honestly, takes longer than I thought.

After a few minutes of silent – sometimes a weak sob or grunt – Natsuya sits upright and lets his head rest in his hands.

“Ikuya’s doing worse,” he mumbles, his voice sounds hoarse – probably from crying.

I hesitate before asking, “How, bad?” because I know Natsuya can be one to blow things out of proportions.

This time that isn’t the case, though. I know this when he tells me, “Ikuya’s still unconscious. Low brain activity, weak heartbeat and not breathing on his own.”

A gasp escapes from my mouth, even though I know this is my moment to stay calm and be the one to comfort Natsuya. He needs someone to talk to, someone to tell him it’ll be alright, so I have to believe it’ll be okay for him.

“Ikuya’s been through a lot, Natsuya,” I try, but Natsuya doesn’t seem to buy it as he only grunts. “He’ll be okay. Okay?”

Natsuya lifts his head up and looks at me. His eyes are red from crying and there are slight black circles under his eyes as well.

We sit like that for a moment; Natsuya, staring at me in disbelieve and me, trying not to make him cry any more than he already has.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Natsuya silently asks after a while. “I don’t want go home right now.” Natsuya eyes fill up with tears before I’ve even answered.

“Hey, its okay, Natsuya,” I calmly say as I wrap my arm around him and pull him towards me. “You can stay here for as long as you want, okay?”

Natsuya releases another weak sob before looking at me and nodding. “Okay, thank you, Nao.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about these shorter chapters... these are a clear sign of me not yet having a lot to write, this should be the last short chapter (I think).   
> And as for the wait, I promise to post another chapter (a longer one) tomorrow and then one again on sunday.
> 
> Have fun reading!
> 
> Love, Noa <3


	4. Too Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day everyone!!!
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

It’s the next morning, but I can’t say I really had any rest tonight.

I was able to stay at Nao’s, which is very nice of him, but I just couldn’t sleep. The thought of Ikuya being at the hospital drove me crazy.

Now, during breakfast, it’s still driving me crazy. Because what if I get there this afternoon and they tell me Ikuya didn’t make it through the night. Or he woke up but isn’t himself anymore.

I shake my head and take a sip from the coffee Nao’s made me.

“Are you okay, Natsuya?” Nao asks before taking some rice to his mouth.

I shrug. I can’t say I’m alright, neither do I want to worry him any more than I did last night.

I can’t believe I just walked into his house without any announcement. I kept him awake and today he’s just going to school. But still he manages to keep a polite smile on his face every time he looks at me.

He swallows his rice and asks, “Thinking about Ikuya again?” just as I’m drinking again. The hot coffee finds its way into my windpipe and I start coughing.

I stick up my thumb, when I see Nao’s already getting up to help me, so he knows I’m alright.

“Yeah, I was thinking about Ikuya,” I admit when I’ve cleared my throat. “I’m worried about him.”

Nao smiles sadly and nods. He says he gets it, because Ikuya’s still so young and I’m his older brother so I should be worried. “But aren’t you always worried about Ikuya?” he asks, gently chuckling afterwards.

I glance away, maybe he’s right about me always worrying. Even when I wanted Ikuya to become more independent I was constantly worried about him. Sometimes I wonder how Nao deals with that part of me, since I always go to him when I’m worried.

“I know,” I admit before getting up from the breakfast table. “I’m going to go see Ikuya, okay? You also need to go, right?”

Nao nods, but he doesn’t get up when I leave. He knows I can find the door on my own and he also probably feels I need some alone time.

His voice echoes through the house one more time saying, “Be careful!” but I have no time to answer before I swing the door close.

_Maybe Ikuya woke up?_ I don’t even know why I’m still trying to talk myself out of worrying while I walk into Ikuya’s room.

Of course he didn’t wake up. This is really clear when I walk closer and see that his eyes are still closed. He’s still pale, maybe even paler than he was yesterday.

A small lady with a sturdy built is seated on the edge of Ikuya’s bed. She looks like she’s injecting something into Ikuya’s stomach through the use of some kind of tube.

It honestly looks quite painful, but I guess it won’t be for Ikuya since he probably doesn’t even notice it happening.

“Good afternoon,” I quietly say when walking closer to Ikuya’s bed.

The lady looks up and politely smiles at me before focusing on injecting some kind of paste into Ikuya’s stomach.

"Any news on Ikuya?" I ask, curious for the answer.

It takes the nurse a moment to reply, since she first finishes her work. Her head turns to me after she has removed the syringe. She slowly shakes her head and answers, "Not much, he hasn't shown any signs of waking up." She gets up from the bed and walks to me. "Only thing we notice is that he's breathing even shallower than before." She glances behind her, at Ikuya. His chest goes up and down so slightly, I barely even see it moving.

"Is that bad?" Actually I can already guess the answer, but maybe it's less painful if she tells me it's nothing good.

She sadly nods. "If his breathing stays like this we have to find another way for him to breathe, but I don't know how long we can keep this up," she explains while walking towards me. And even though I think she's only about five years older than me, she lays her hand on my shoulder and quietly says, "I get that you're worried, he's way too young for this to happen. But I promise to make sure he'll survive this, okay?"

That's a lie... she can't - no one can - promise that when Ikuya's still in this awful state.

A complete silence fills the room as she takes her hand off my shoulder and I look at Ikuya. The only sound in the entire room is the beeping of the heart monitor and the zooming of the ventilator.

"So what were you doing just now?" I ask to break the silence. "I mean with the syringe and Ikuya."

Her eyes shoot from me to the syringe and back to me again.

"When Ikuya just arrived here, we gave him a feeding tube, to make sure he doesn't starve when being in this coma-like state," she explains, while fiddling with her bubblegum-pink hair. "I was feeding him just now. It probably looked weird to you, right?"

I nod, still a little confused to why my little brother has a tube running from the inside of his stomach to the outside.

"But," she continues. "He probably still has to use this feeding tube when he's awake and I guess everyone including him and you will have to get used to it."

I nod again, afterwards thanking her for the information she gave me.

She finishes her work and politely tells me goodbye before leaving the room. Now, Ikuya and I are alone.

I sit down, just like I did last time I was here. And I look at Ikuya, to me he doesn't even look that alive.

I lay my head in my hands and take a deep breath.

It pains me to hear that miss - I don't even know her name, the nurse - is so determined to keep Ikuya alive. She even promised me just now. But even when she did that, she couldn't promise me he would wake up. She couldn't get herself to tell me this won't be the way Ikuya will be living the rest of his life like.

The thought of Ikuya staying in this state, it kills me. My younger brother, from the age of nineteen, unable to breathe on his own, drooling and having painful-looking spasms without even knowing what happens around him.

I close my eyes and feel how tears slowly start to drip to the floor beneath me.

What if I won't see Ikuya open his eyes ever again, or smile, or not sleep... what if I won't ever see Ikuya swim his medley again?

A sob escapes from my mouth as the thought arrives to me. I'm nauseous, completely sick of thinking this; seeing Ikuya like this.

My eyes shoot open when I hear a one-toned noise. The painful sound of a non-beating heart, coming from Ikuya's heart monitor.

I get up, the nauseous feeling worsens and I almost collapse to the ground.

Before I can even get help, nurses are already rushing inside. I'm told to leave, but I can't move. I'm glued to the ground.

They start giving him CPR, yelling medical terms I don't know.

Ikuya's body is trembling, spastically moving in his bed, while tears run over my cheeks as I watch how they try so hard to get his heart back to beating.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, it's the nurse from before. Somehow she's the only nurse in the room who isn't helping with Ikuya.

"Sorry, but it less disturbing if you leave the room," she tells me, while at the same time leading me to the door. "Ikuya's in good hands, okay?"

I nod, not trying to look at Ikuya when we walk by.

"He's going to survive this," she continues, her hand carefully rubbing my back. "And you will be able to see him again, breathing with a beating heart, you hear me?"

Again, I nod, and when we reach the door we go through it and leave the room.

When outside, she closes the door and looks at me. I see her calmly smiling, but blurred by my tears.

I try to smile back, show her I believe her, but gravity gets the best of me and I collapse to the ground. Sobbing, tears streaming from my eyes.

I believe her, but I also don't. All I want is to see Ikuya, looking at me. And I want to see him swimming, doing what he loves with whoever he wants, because that's what my little brother deserves.

But I, now weakly lying on the pale blue floor, can't do anything. All I can do is wait until that door opens.

And when the door opens and I hear the news, I start to cry again. Only this time my tears aren't from sadness, they're happier tears than I could ever imagine I was able to cry.

They told me, "Ikuya has woken up."


	5. Thoughtless

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

_"Ikuya has woken up!"_

I read the message Natsuya sent me over and over again. The moment I saw it, I asked him if I could go see Ikuya. I haven't seen Ikuya in days, since only family's allowed to go visit him, so I was hoping I could see him now he's awake.

Fortunately, Natsuya was able to make sure I can go visit Ikuya as well from now on.

So, right now, I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm both looking forward to seeing Ikuya and at the same time I'm really nervous.

I can already see the hospital in the distance. And when not so much later I walk inside through the hospital's main entrance, I can feel my heart beating in my throat.

Natsuya is waiting for me in the hallway, because I have no idea where Ikuya's staying.

At first I thought I saw a smile on Natsuya's face, but that I look closer all I can see are tears in his eyes. He looks terrified.

"Is something wrong?" I ask, worried something might in fact be wrong.

Natsuya nods softly and another tear runs down his cheek.

"They ran some tests on Ikuya," he begins. "And he appears to have brain damage."

A lump blocks my throat, I can't answer.

_Was this a false alarm? Did Natsuya want me here to tell me this?_

So many questions but I can't ask any, my voice won't work.

Natsuya paces up and down in front of me. He looks worried, logically. But after a moment he says, "Ikuya did open his eyes though."

My mouth opens of surprise, maybe I can actually see Ikuya awake one more time.

"Really?" I ask, my voice breaks.

Natsuya nods, sadly, I can tell he's holding back tears. His mouth opens when he tells me, “Yes, but doctors say he probably isn’t even aware of his surroundings.” He turns his face to the ground and his hands clench together the fabric of his t-shirt. “But if you want, you can go see Ikuya. But don’t expect him to actually _be_ there, if you know what I mean.”

I nod.

Actually I’m really doubtful about wanting to see him. I want to see him so badly, but what if seeing him like he’s at the moment will change my image of him? What if it scares me so badly I can’t even look at him?

But even though I’m hesitating, I answer, “I want to see him.”

Natsuya nods, understanding, and gestures I should follow him.

“Do you want to know what doctor Yoshida told me?” Natsuya asks while we’re walking through the hallways.

“Yes,” I say.

“He told me Ikuya’s brain is pretty damaged. I didn’t understand every word he said, but something about the most damage being done to his Temporal Lobes and something called his Cerebellum.” He pauses before he mumbles, “I don’t know.”

Of course, when I heard Ikuya could’ve incurred brain damage, I made sure to look up all the risks. I came by a website about the parts of the brains and found out that the Temporal Lobes are mainly involved with visual and verbal memory, and dealing with emotions and reactions of other people.

This wouldn’t explain why he’s in this state he’s in right now. Neither would the damaged Cerebellum, since that’s mainly about his fine motor skills such as smaller movements with hands and feet.

“Yoshida also said some hard word, also something with Ikuya’s brain. The part was almost completely inactive,” he says, he’s really trying hard to remember.

But I get it, his brain’s probably filled with stress and grief, I wouldn’t be able to think either.

“Something like…” He pauses. “His Dicephalom… something like that.”

I gasp. If Natsuya means what I think he does that explains a lot. The Diencephalon – or Dicephalom, how Natsuya calls it – takes care of a lot.

If it’s – as Natsuya has been told – is almost completely inactive, that means the Thalamus, Epithalamiums and Hypothalamus are disabled.

This is bad.

Not only do they help to maintain the balance of all bodily functions like his appetite, sleep-awake cycle, body temperature and producing right amount of hormones. It’s also the part of the brain that’s involved with emotion, long-term memory and behavior.

Damage to the Diencephalon also explains Ikuya’s unconscious – unaware – state, since the Thalamus is involved with consciousness, sleep and memory.

“Are you okay?” Natsuya’s voice drags me from my thoughts.

“Uhm,” I mumble, just now noticing that I stopped walking all of a sudden. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Natsuya worriedly smiles at me and admits, “I get it if you’re a little off now.”

I nod, he’s right.

“It’s a lot to handle all at once.” He starts walking again, turning his back to me while he continues talking. “But nothing’s sure yet, it’s hard to see the state of Ikuya’s brain with how he is right now.”

We come to a stop and Natsuya gestures at a white door. A small window wants to grant me a way to look inside the room, but I’m too scared to peek inside. Too scared to see Ikuya’s weak, barely conscious body, driven by a damaged brain.

“Will he get out of this… strange state?” I ask, before letting myself into Ikuya’s room. “I mean, will he ever go back to normal?”

Natsuya turn his head away from me and mumbles, “Good luck inside, I’m going to go home, okay?”

Before I can answer he walks away, leaving me alone.

My hand’s resting on the doorknob and there’s only a small piece of wood keeping Ikuya and me apart. But my trembling hand isn’t moving down to open the door.

I breathe in… once.

Out… once.

And in again, before opening the door.

As soon as I get inside, I wish I hadn’t gone inside to begin with.

Ikuya’s amber eyes are staring at me from across the room, but they’re unlit and emotionless. Nothing in those eyes tell me he has actually seen me, but they still follow me as I walk closer to Ikuya’s bed.

I take in everything I see.

My best friend, amber eyes full of emotion; Happiness, sadness and anger.

He had the winner’s spirit; I can still see him swimming the individual medley. I remember him winning without any effort for a few times.

That swimmer and amazing friend sits here now, weakly collapsed against his straightened bed like a bag of potatoes.

His mouth opened it the slightest as his blunt, droopy eyes follow me. Black circles under his eyes make him look even weaker.

Slowly, I move closer. Eventually taking a seat next to Ikuya’s bed without taking my eyes off him. At first he stares at me as I sit down. But after a while his eyes slowly move away from me and go to staring to the white wall.

When his mouth closes for a second, the slurping of air moving through tubes sounds as he breathes through his nose. Quickly, his mouth opens again and a soft mumble comes out.

The next few minutes I just sit there, watching Ikuya as he quietly mumbles inaudible things.

It hurts… a lot… to see my best friend like this.

When he starts to groan even louder, I take his hand in mine. I lean closer to him and hold the back of his hand against my mouth.

It’s cold, sweaty, weak and a lot smaller than mine.

My lips carefully rub against his hand and a tear drops down to the ground as I look at him and whisper, “I’m so sorry Ikuya.”

His face turns to me.

“This is my fault.”


	6. Improvement

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

I look at my hand, which are shaking heavily as I sit face to face with Yoshida. He looks serious when he glances at the file on the table.

“So, like it said yesterday.” Yoshida’s voice echoes through the small office and I force myself to look up at him. “The lack of oxygen did affect Ikuya’s brain function.”

It’s already a day after Ikuya – kind of – woke up, but I’m not used to the thought of Ikuya’s brain being damaged… I don’t think I ever will.

“Is there a chance Ikuya will be the same again?” I mumble, think back to what Hiyori asked yesterday.

I couldn’t answer back then, but I have to know the answer myself.

Yoshida takes a deep breath before saying, “Well, it’s hard to tell. Ikuya’s still very young and has a good chance on some recovery. He also already shows signs of improvement, things like being somewhat awake, mumbling, screaming and the spasms in his legs and arms. These might seem like bad things, but they imply on slight improvement.” He pauses and closes the file. “But I have to be honest with you, there’s a chance it stays at those improvements.”

My breath jolts and I almost choke on my own spit.

It hurts to hear there’s a chance Ikuya stays like this… forever.

“How big is the chance on more improvement?” I have to know and I hope he’s going to say there’s a big chance on full recovery… but I doubt it.

Yoshida hesitates before harshly telling me, “There’s not a very big chance.”

I almost burst out in tears, but I’m able to keep myself together.

“Look, of course there’s a chance he gets back from this,” he admits. “But a few more days in this vegetative state and I’m afraid there won’t be a chance at recovery anymore.”

My eyes turn down to the table and I try so hard to hold back my tears. But I fail – just like a failed caring for Ikuya – and I burst into tears when Yoshida tells me, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I have to ask you whether you want to keep Ikuya on life support or give him a chance at dying peacefully before there’s no way back.”

The thought of deciding whether Ikuya should live or die enters my brain like a bullet and makes my head fall into my hands as I sob. All the emotions of the last few days run out of me all at once and I can’t even think about what Yoshida just said.

“It’s okay to cry, I get it’s hard for you,” Yoshida calmly says. “I wish I didn’t have to ask so much of you, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head and wipe away a tear. “It’s okay.”

Yoshida nods and sadly smiles at me before saying, “You don’t have to decide right away. Take some time to think everything over, but it’s the best if you let me know by the end of this week.”

I nod. Of course they won’t give me enough time to decide… All the time in the world wouldn’t give me enough time to decide whether my little brother deserve to go on living an awful life or to die before I do.

Another tear runs down my cheek before I get up from my seat and I tell Yoshida, “Thank you, and goodbye.”

I walk through the door before Yoshida has even told me our conversation is done. But I couldn’t get myself to stay any longer, it hurts too much.

I stare at my feet as I walk to Ikuya’s room.

My mind won’t let me think of the decision, yet it’s all I can think about.

I stop at Ikuya’s door and wait before going inside.

_What if the decision will be made for me? What if the universe decides Ikuya has to die young, or live an awful existence without even knowing himself?_

I shake my head, that won’t happen. And I go inside only to see Ikuya’s sleeping body in the bed.

His blanket is covering only half of him as his head slowly sacks away from his pillow. It’s both worrying and cute, seeing him sleeping with his head against the railing besides his bed. The drool dripping from his mouth, because he’s one to sleep with his mouth open, something he’s done from when he was very young.

I walk to him and carefully lift him up and place his head onto his pillow.

He’s heavier than last time I did this, taking him to bed because he fell asleep somewhere else. Back then he was small and not at all this muscular.

I tuck him in tightly and feel a smile appearing when I look at him, sleeping so calmly.

Somehow, when he’s sleeping like this, everything seems like nothing’s wrong. Except from his body spastically moving from time to time and the fact that he mumbles inaudible things even when sleeping, everything seems so normal.

He looks normal, as if nothing ever happened and he’s not in an unaware state of mind with no control over his body.

I sit down next to Ikuya, look at him and think to myself: _Why can’t everything be this normal when he’s awake?_


	7. The Little Mermaid

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

****

****

Before visiting Ikuya this afternoon, I did my research. I had to have all my questions answered. So, for the entire night I have been googling different things.

I found out Ikuya has slipped into a Vegetative State – a state of full unconsciousness with some eye opening and periods of wakefulness and sleep. I now also know there is, in fact, a chance at recovery from this state which calms me. I can’t stand to watch Ikuya existing in this state for the rest of his life.

There’s recovery possible, but – of course – it’s not too likely. The people in recovery usually pass through a few phases of recovery. Unfortunately this recovery can stop at any one of these phases, which means they can be stuck in a certain phase of recovery and not get any better.

I repeat the research I did over and over again – in my head – while I’m on my way to the hospital. I clench Ikuya’s favorite book in my left hand and breathe in and out slowly.

I decided to read him today, since a few websites told me it’s likely the Vegetative State patient is able to hear the people around them. Maybe it’ll be calming to Ikuya to hear something familiar, maybe it’ll even help him recover faster – I don’t know.

Last time Ikuya was hospitalized, and I was with him, he told me the “Little Mermaid” is his favorite book – one of the only ones he actually enjoyed. So, when I walk into Ikuya’s room holding the “Little Mermaid” in my hands, it takes me back to that day.

It’s different now. Back then when I’d walk in Ikuya would greet me with his bright smile, often happy someone came to visit him. We would chat to get the time to pass and it was fun.

Now, there’s not even a “hi” or a slight smile to greet me. Just two dull eyes staring right past me as I walk through the room. There’s no one to chat back to me, so I’ll have to do all the talking.

I sit down and try to show Ikuya the book while I say, “I brought you your favorite book.” But Ikuya hasn’t the slightest of a reaction to seeing the book I got from his room. I found it lying on his bed, left from the night before the training. I’m sure Ikuya knows it by heart by now, since he reads it every night before going to bed.

I open the book on the first page and read, “Far out in the ocean, where the water is as blue as the prettiest cornflower, and as clear as crystal, it is very very deep; so deep indeed, that no cable could fathom it: many church steeples, piled one upon another, would not reach from the ground beneath to the surface of the water above.” I pause, taking a calm breath before reading on.

Somehow my voice it shaking heavily, I guess I’m nervous to read to Ikuya. What if he can hear me and my reading is worse than the voice in his head reading it to him every night. Or what if he can’t even hear me, and I’m reading this difficultly written book out loud for no reason.

Many minutes past without any reaction coming from Ikuya, but I keep going as I start to reach the part where the Little Mermaid has just saved the prince.

“Having rescued the prince from drowning, the mermaid brought him to rest on the sand.” I swallow, remembering how I laid Ikuya to rest on the tiled floor of the swimming pool after rescuing him.

“Just then, along came a young, human maiden. Thinking quickly, the mermaid concealed herself from sight.”

_Has Ikuya seen me rescue him?_ I wonder as the book’s sentences spill from my mouth as smoothly as possible.

“When the prince awakened he believed the maiden standing before him had been his savior, so he expressed his gratitude to her. He had no idea what the mermaid had just done for him.”

I close my eyes and stop reading for a moment as I realize my prince might not ever know who saved him, nor think someone else saved him. My prince might stay unknowing for the rest of his existence.

Ikuya might never know.

I gasp and feel like closing the book, but I can’t stop because maybe Ikuya doesn’t want me to. I can’t stop all of the sudden, because he can’t tell me if he wants to hear more.

So, I take a deep breath, open my mouth and… get interrupted by the sound of heavy breathing.

When I look up, Ikuya’s body’s shaking heavily and he’s collapsed to the side of his bed. He’s shrieking, saliva dripping from his mouth as he hangs to the side. His chest is moving up and down heavily as he’s grasping for air.

I touch his shoulder, trying to get him to sit upright again, but he starts screaming even louder. His body jolting heavily beneath my hands.

His deep voice painfully yells inaudible sounds as nurses run in. They tell me to leave, but I hesitate before walking to the door. Even though I don’t want to leave Ikuya alone, I move towards the door and watch as they try to put an oxygen mask over Ikuya’s mouth.

One of the nurses closes the door as soon as I get outside. And for the rest of the day, full radio silence… I heard nothing about how that disaster ended.


	8. Audible Words

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

I stare at the ceiling of Nao’s living room and count on my fingers how many days I have left for my choice: Should Ikuya stay alive, or die painlessly?

It’s three days since he told me, it was Monday back then. There’s been no improvement since.

It’s Thursday morning right now, so I have until Sunday to decide.

I close my eyes and sigh. It’s not long, but it should give me enough time to hope Ikuya will wake up.

Sleepless nights at Nao’s house became part of my normal routine, together with midnight snacks like chocolate ice cream or cookies. Ever since Ikuya’s in the hospital my daily amount of beer has doubled, which isn’t something I’m proud of. Nao reminds me I shouldn’t drink my sadness away, but otherwise my thoughts are bothering me all the time.

Getting up late became part of my routine as well, and if I don’t have to go outside I almost always stay on Nao’s bench in my pajamas.

Somehow, today I feel like going outside. Get some fresh air, like Nao’s telling me to do for days now.

So, I get up from the mattress lying in Nao’s living room and go to the bathroom to put on some decent clothes – jeans and a vest for over my t-shirt. After brushing my hair for the first time in forty hours, I get my purse and walk outside.

The cold early afternoon’s air, just slightly warmed up by the glowing sun, enters my nose and the smell of city hits me in the face.

I slowly walk over the sideway and watch the people on the road. Tokyo is a crowded city at all times of the day, so many people are on their way to places even at times when most women and men are working and children are going to school.

On my way to one of the closest bakeries to get me some breakfast, I walk by a playground. It’s not too crowded, but there are a few younger children playing.

I remember the days Ikuya and I used to play outside. We would go to the playground close to our home, together with our mother.

Ikuya loved to go down the slide, or play with the sand calmly, but sometimes I’d play rougher than he was used to. He’s always been a fragile child, so mom told me to play careful.

This was when we were really young, but playing outside quickly turned into swimming as we both learned it step by step.

I can still see Ikuya jumping in the deeper end of the pool for the first time. Mom left the swimming Ikuya all over to me and eventually that became something we did at least twice a week.

I turn my head away from the playing kids and feel a lump in my throat.

I just wish everything could go back to those days. Even though I miss Ikuya worse than I did before he was hospitalized, I see him more often lately. After I pushed Ikuya away that time, we never became as close as we used to be, and I still really regret pushing him away like that.

While my feet tap on the sidewalk as I start to jog my way to the bakery, I remind myself that if Ikuya wakes up fully and recovers, we should do some things together more often. I plan on staying in Tokyo for some time, anyway, and not only because Ikuya’s hospitalized. I missed being in Japan and I missed seeing Ikuya and Nao.

I catch my breath and nod to myself, _yes, Ikuya will survive this and I will do things with him more often._

My phone rings loudly just as I tell myself everything will be okay. I look at the screen and all good courage sinks into my shoes when I see Yoshida’s name on lighting up my screen.

This can be really bad news… or very good. But still I hesitate before picking up and saying, “Natsuya Kirishima, hello?”

“Natsuya,” Yoshida’s voice sounds through the phone and I have to remind myself to breathe. “I have really good news.”


	9. Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I totally forgot to post yesterday... Here's the chapter anyway, so I hope you'll enjoy <3

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

Big eyes, staring at me from all sides. They’re filled with disbelieve and people are talking about me like I’m not here.

But I have no idea why?

“Were you sure you heard him talk, Yua?” one of the ladies in white clothes asks another.

“Yes, I’m sure,” another answers. The young lady – one with pink hair and brown roots – turns to me and asks, “Ikuya, can you hear me?”

I open my mouth, confused.

_Is that why they’re all so exited, because I asked where I was?_

I mean, I don’t get it, but they’re all admiring me like I’m an animal at the zoo. But I’m the one who’s the most confused. They told me I’m at a hospital, but how? Last time I remember, I was swimming with Hiyori… I don’t remember getting here.

“Uhm,” I mumble, trying to think of a way to ask these ladies – nurses – to explain me how I got here. I get distracted when I hear a door open, followed by a familiar voice.

“Ikuya!” the voice yells and some of the ladies step aside. “Did he really speak?”

I force my head to turn, even though it’s hard and painful to move, to see Natsuya running my way. He has tears in his eyes and he’s wearing black circles under his eyes.

I frown and ask, “N-Natsuya. What is g-going on?” and somehow me saying that makes Natsuya crack a smile.

“So you really woke up fully!” he happily says before leaning in close and giving me a hug. His arms around me are warm and familiar, a lot more calming than those worried eyes staring at me.

“Woke up? F-fully?” I ask, I have no idea what I missed, but it seems like a lot has happened. _Am I dreaming?_ I wonder.

Natsuya takes a step back and nods. “So, you have no idea what happened?”

I shake my head and grimace when I feel a pain rushing from my neck through my entire body.

I see a hand on Natsuya’s shoulder, followed by a nurses’ voice telling him they’ll leave the two of us alone for a moment. Natsuya nods, thanking her, before taking a seat on the side of my bed.

His hand shakily rests on my leg as he looks at the ground. “Ikuya, you… how do I say this… almost drowned.”

I stare at him, I don’t recall drowning. I was just swimming, trying to get faster when… what exactly happened, again?

“W-what?” I whisper.

“I think overdid it again, Ikuya,” he tells me, I can hear his voice shaking as he talks. “Hiyori had to give you CPR.” I gasp when I remember the water closing in around me... but I don't remember Hiyori getting me from the water or giving me CPR.

"That was six days ago," Natsuya says and he looks away.

I look down at my lap. A lump blocks my throat, I can't get a word out.

Six days is a long time, how did that happen? How didn't I notice I was gone for so long?

"Ikuya?"

I look up, Natsuya has tears in his eyes when we tells me, "Doctors also say the lack of oxygen caused you to have..." He swallows and turns his head away. "... brain damage."

Tears start to run over my cheeks, but I can't do anything to hold them back.

My chest contracts and I suddenly feel really nauseous.

I open my mouth to say something - I don't even know what - but all that comes out is a loud sob, followed by a huge amount of vomit.

I hang forward as I let the puke spill over me, crying as I realize what both Natsuya and Hiyori have gone through. And how is this going to continue for me? I don't know.

Natsuya's hand calming rubs over my back as another batch of vomit leaves my mouth.

"Hey, it's okay," Natsuya whispers as he pulls me against him, not caring that his t-shirt gets covered in my puke.

I nod, maybe Natsuya is right, maybe everything is okay. I shouldn't stress out before knowing every detail.

"They still have to run some tests," he tells me. "Maybe everything is less bad than they thought."

I nod again, and Natsuya lays me back on my pillow. After he walks to the door and says something to someone, I can't hear what. But a second later the nurse with the pink hair walks in.

She sticks out her hand to me and says, "I'm Yua Maki, I'll probably take care of you mainly for the next few days."

I try to lift of my hand, but it's really hard. It's like my body won't listen to the commands I give them.

Maki smiles when she sees me struggling and tells me, "Don't force yourself too hard, you just woke up, give your body a little rest before trying too much, okay?"

I nod. "O-okay."

"We're going to run some tests this evening, I think, but first let’s get you in some clean clothes."

She talks to me like I'm a little kid, it's quite embarrassing. So is the fact that I actually need help with putting on new clothes... it sucks.

"Afterwards you can try to get some rest, you must be tired after being awake."

I nod, I'm actually quite tired even though I've slept up to about ten minutes ago.

So, Maki helps me put on some clean clothes, while Natsuya willingly puts clean bedding on the bed.

Afterwards I get helped back in bed and not very long after I fall asleep.


	10. Therapy Session

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

It's been one day since Ikuya woke up and I still can't believe it. I think I told Nao how happy I'm at least fifty times after I got home in the late evening.

It's morning by now and I'm already at the hospital in Ikuya's room. We're waiting for the results to the tests they ran yesterday.

Ikuya told me they did some exercises, some would be harder than others. And they made scans.

Having Ikuya talk back when I say something is strange. Not only because he's awake after a quite long time, but also because he stammers - something he's never struggled with in the past.

"S-so how long are y-you back in Japan?" Ikuya asks, which isn't a strange question.

"I haven't been somewhere else since your last tournament," I answer, normally I probably would've left right after coming to home for a few days, but this time clearly was different. "I stayed because I missed you and Nao and Japan."

Ikuya looks away and a sad look appears on his face when he asks, "Y-you didn't just stay here b-because I... f-fucked up, again?"

I shrug and decide to keep holding on to the truth. "I wasn't planning on leaving soon anyway, so not really. If you feel guilty about that, don't."

Ikuya nods, once.

A silence forms, but fortunately the door opens. Yoshida walks into the room, a file in his right hand.

“I got the test results of the little tests we did yesterday,” Yoshida says after taking a seat. “Remember that Ikuya?”

Ikuya nods, I can almost hear him sigh. I know he hates being spoken to like he’s a little child and he clearly shows this by dramatically rolling his eyes.

“So, like we already knew there’s some damage to the Diencephalon, Temporal Lobes and Cerebellum.” Yoshida glances at the file and then back to Ikuya. “This hasn’t gone away, and it won’t ever go away, but you can learn to deal with it.”

Ikuya nods, I can see that in the corner of my eye.

“Fortunately the lower activity in those places hasn’t limited your knowledge of language, visual recognition and reading other than a little bit of stammering, which we can get rid of easily. We do see some relapse in your ability of movement and control over body, though.” He pauses and slowly takes a deeper breath. “To start off we notice little to no control over the bladder, and you pointed out you found it hard to swallow. This is why we think it’s best if you keep using both the catheter and your feeding tube. I'm sure Maki will be happy to teach you how to use and clean them yourself."

Ikuya turns away and when I glance at him, I see he's watching his catheter. It must be embarrassing, knowing everything just runs away without him being able to control it.

"Then there's the hand-eye coordination, your balance and strength, which has taken off quite a lot," Yoshida continues, the look on his face more serious now. "Both your balance and hand-eye coordination are quite poor at the moment, but some physical therapy should be able to get them somewhat back to normal." Yoshida glances from to file to us and back to the pieces of paper again. "But then there's your strength. You're muscles have gone really weak, causing you to shake, fall or to have a hard time holding things. I don't know how long it'll take to get this back to normal, and if we're able to get it back to how it used to be."

He pauses, gaining me time to look at Ikuya. He's staring at his lap. I know there's one question haunting his thoughts: Will he be able to swim again?

I don't when, if and how he's going to ask it, but I can see in his eyes that he wants to.

But Yoshida continues before he can ask anything, telling Ikuya he's going to need both therapy physical and speech and probably a lot of assistance for the first days.

"When can I start therapy?" Ikuya asks. "Physical training, I mean. I want to be on my feet again as soon as possible."

I know why Ikuya is saying this. Not only does he want to be able to swim again, he also wants to be independent.

Yoshida looks at Ikuya and his mouth opens carefully. "In about two to three days, but you'll have to get a little stronger first."

Ikuya sighs before nodding.

“Thank you,” he says, turning his head away from us while trying to pull his blanket up higher. “Was that all? I’m exhausted.”

Yoshida nods once, thanking both Ikuya and me for some reason. Right after Yoshida leaves, Ikuya bluntly demands me to leave. And since I don’t want to piss him off, I do as he tells me and leave him all alone.


	11. Weaknesses

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

****

****

_“Hiyori, good news._

_This isn’t a joke or a misunderstanding, but Ikuya actually woke up. Like, he actually spoke audible words._

_He’s still really tired all the time, but I bet he can’t wait to see you._

_Please, make sure to come by this afternoon between twelve and three, okay?”_

That’s that message Natsuya send me this morning, or maybe even close to midnight. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I woke up and saw it.

Ikuya actually woke up and Natsuya spoke with him. He’s actually okay and he’s making progress in getting better with bigger steps than I expected him to.

I feel a slight smile on my face when I see the door to Ikuya’s room in the distance, this time no worried Natsuya is waiting for me. I’m able to walk to the door and before I walk inside I carefully peek through the little window. Good thing I did, because a nurse is still busy helping Ikuya put own clothes.

Ikuya is bend over while the nurse tries to get a black, oversized t-shirt – probably one of Natsuya’s – to slide over all the tubes and threats Ikuya’s attached to. It’s strange to see how Ikuya’s not at all trying to do it himself, maybe because he’s realized he can’t do such things all by himself.

I wonder if Ikuya can even do anything without help anyway. He’s for sure not breathing on his own, or at least that’s what the cannula that goes through his nose tells me. Neither can he put on his clothes by himself, otherwise he wouldn’t ever let someone else do that.

The nurse lays Ikuya back down on his pillow as soon as she’s put his clothes on him and drapes the blanket over him. Her putting upright the bed and cleaning up her stuff is the cue for me to go outside.

I push down the doorknob and walk inside. My hand waves slightly as I close the door behind me, look at Ikuya and quietly say, “Morning, Ikuya.”

“I-it’s afternoon,” Ikuya corrects me, rolling his eyes and sighing.

Somehow his way of speaking tells me he’s not too pleased to see me. Maybe he knows he saw him getting dressed and that’s what putting him in a bad mood. He could also just be angry and sad about being stuck in a bed all day long. Or… I don’t know, maybe he’s actually not too glad to see me.

“I came to see you,” I say with a smile, trying to lighten up the mood.

Ikuya glances at the nurse, who leaves right after he does that. I think he might’ve mouthed something at her, but I couldn’t see since the back of his head was turned towards me. I sit down on a chair and as soon as the door closes Ikuya turns back to me.

“So, how are you?” I ask when I notice the awkward silence between us.

Ikuya takes a deep breath, through his nose, and the sound of slurping air sounds. After, he stares at the wall in front of him and mumbles, “I’ve been b-better.”

I chuckle awkwardly and whisper, “I know.” And I turn my face down to my lap.

“B-but, H-Hiyori?” he stammers.

I look up, straight into Ikuya’s eyes. He looks back at me and he lips part.

“Thank you,” he says, without any stammering. His blinks and turns away. “For s-saving me,” he adds right after.

I smile and reply, “No problem.” I pause, laying my hand on Ikuya’s leg. “I couldn’t just let you drown, right?”

Ikuya glances at me, shuts his mouth and shakes his head slight. Before I can say anything else, Ikuya grabs to his throat and a loud cough bursts out.

I shoot forward, trying to help him, but while coughing hard Ikuya pushes me away. So, when I realize I can’t help him, I push my finger against Ikuya’s personal alarm.

He’s trying to breathe, but the cannula slide from his nose and he almost passes out by the time the nurse of before rushes in. She grabs Ikuya by his shoulders and bends him forwards, causing him to throw up all over his clean clothes.

As soon as Ikuya stops coughing up puke, the nurse immediately holds an oxygen mask in front of Ikuya’s mouth.

“Breathe, Ikuya,” she says, one hand on his back and the other on the oxygen mask. “In…” She pauses. “And out.”


	12. Embarrasment

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

“In.” Maki’s voice echoes through my brain. “And out.”

Everything around me is foggy and there’s a nasty taste in my mouth. The borrowed air slides through my windpipe and into my lungs.

My chest hurts, my throat feels like it’s on fire and my eyelids are heavy. I try to keep my eyes open as I breathe in and out.

Maki’s cold fingers move past my ears as she hooks the ribbons of the oxygen mask behind my ears. She lays her hand under my head as I sack back into my pillow.

“It’s okay,” Maki whispers. “Just breathe in and out and in again, okay.”

I listen to her deformed voice as my eyes close.

The air is cold, but warm and it slides through my hurt throat so easily. Maki’s voice is so calming, but it seems to get farther and farther away as I give up trying to stay conscious.

My eyes are closed, sound tunes out and I get pulled away from reality. I breathe in… and out… I fall asleep.

Hours later, I don’t know how much later, my heavy eyelids open. Bright light enters my brain and I immediately close my eyes again.

A chuckle sounds from next to me, somewhere.

“Morning,” a female voice says. “Or should I say good evening?”

I force my eyes open again and turn my head until my eyes meet Maki’s. She smiles, gladly, but why?

“W-what h-happened?” I ask, my stupid voice’s wavering again.

Maki shrugs and says, “Guess you got yourself stuck in a coughing fit.” She gestures at my shirt. “You threw up… I hope you don’t mind, but I had to put on new clothes when you were asleep.”

I shake my head, she’s going to need to do this a lot more often if I keep passing out like this more often.

“How l-long was I s-s-sleeping?” I want to know.

Maki shrugs and sits down on the edge of my bed. She hesitates before saying, “A few hours.” She pauses, but leaves me no time to answer. “You must be feeling hungry?”

I frown and glance away. She’s right, actually, but it’s not like I enjoy eating. Not only do I have to be fed because I’m too shaky to get a fork to my mouth, but I also have to get medicines and nutrition through my feeding tube. Maki also has to clean out my catheter right after. All those things are quite embarrassing if you ask me.

But I nod anyway.

“Okay, I’ll get your dinner,” she says, making her way to the door. “Be right back.”

The door closes as Maki leaves the room. I might be hungry, and I might’ve been asleep for hours today, but I’m exhausted.

My eyelids – still heavy – start to close again. And before the door opens again, I’m far, far away from being awake again. 


	13. Sleepy Ikuya

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

****

****

It's been a few days since Ikuya woke up.

I'm on my way to the room where Ikuya's physical theraphy takes place. This morning I was just planning on visiting him, but when I got to the counter they told me Ikuya was still at his theraphy.

I will be able to pick him up there in a few minutes, but still I'm rushing there. I want to see Ikuya, and how he's training to get back to normal.

So when I get to the window, I stand there.

I immediately see Ikuya. He's struggling to walk with help of the railing. He's clearly sweating, putting his everything into walking those few steps.

At first it's not at all hard to watch, because Ikuya is doing a good job. At this rate he'll be back to normal in no time.

Those thoughts fall to the ground and Ikuya slips and colapses on the floor.

He jolts as his body hits the floor. But I don't think he's hurt in the slightest.

The theraphist steps towards him and helps him sit upright. Right after, she says something but of course I'm not able to hear.

She helps Ikuya in a wheelchair and turns him towards the window. Our eyes meet, I smile and wave at him.

He doesn't smile back, but I can see his hand moving up a little.

His theraphist tells Ikuya something else, and right after Ikuya slowly rides his wheelchair to the door.

That's where I wait for him.

"Hi, Ikuya," I happily say, but it takes Ikuya some time to reply.

His mouth opens slowly and he says, "G-good afternoon, Hiyori." His voice is hoarse and he sounds exhausted.

I glance away, not knowing if Ikuya actually would want to talk to me right now.

"I came to visit you," I tell him. "But if you don't feel like talking I can also leave."

Ikuya shrugs and starts wheeling himself to the elevator. I follow.

"It's not that I m-mind you being here, or t-talking," he says when we're entering the elevator. "B-but I think I'd r-rather take a nap."

I nod, it's understandable. He just walked almost on is own, that must take a lot of efford.

"I can understand," I say. "But do you mind if I stay with you a little longer?" I add, "We don't have to talk."

Ikuya confusedly frowns at me and mumbles, "Sure, do whatever."

I thank him (binnensmond) as I follow him through the hallways, and to his room.

We go inside and then he stops moving. I can hear him breathing heavily as he carefully asks, "Uhm, could you help my back in bed?"

I can hear shame in his voice, it's almost painful to hear how badly he hates to not be able to be independent.

I nod, walking closer. "Of course, how do I do this?"

Ikuya sighs and turns his head away before saying, "Just pick me up and lift me into the bed." Right that he whispers, "it's not that hard."

Of course, I know how to lift Ikuya from his chair into his bed, but I really want to leave him some way to show he still has something to say. I’m not a nurse, and he goed through this daily; I should give him a chance to independence.

I crouch down in front of Ikuya and carefully place on arm around his shoulders. The other arm goes under his knees.

Picking Ikuya up takes more force than I thought. Of course, he’s a lot more muscular than me, so I expected him to be quite heavy. But he’s heavier than I thought.

I take smal steps to the bed, carrying Ikuya there. His body is leaning against my chest and he’s breathing heavily.

I lay him down in his bed as soon as I’m close enough. Only now exhaling, not scared to drop him anymore.

Ikuya turns his head away from me and reaches behind him to grab his nasal canula. He puts them in his nose and breathes in the fresh oxygen.

“I’ll sit here, okay?” I say as I flop down in a chair, which is standing next to Ikuya’s bed.

Ikuya nods, pulling the blanket over himself and turning onto his side. With his back towards me I can barely hear him when he mumbles, “Do whatever, but I’m going sleep right now.”

I nod, but knowing he can’t see me I add, “Sure, I’ll just stay here for a few more minutes.”

A small grunt sounds from under the blankets and not long after I hear really soft snoring. It’s honestly quite cute.

I’m staring at the back of Ikuya’s head, his dark teal hair. And when I realize he’s sleeping, far away in his dreamland. I get up, lean in closer and whisper, “Sleep well, Ikuya.” Before leaving fort he afternoon.


	14. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry!  
> Because of the Corona Virus I had a lot on my mind yesterday evening with the schools where I live suddenly closing and me not that good at dealing with sudden changes... I totally forgot to post a chapter... sorry, I hope I'll make it up to you if I post 2 chapters today, one now and one later today :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

That evening, after a long sleep, I wake up.

Just like I expected no one’s there. I probably slept for a few hours, so I didn’t think Hiyori would still be here.

I turn my head to the window, it’s dim outside. Rain is tapping on the window, but I can barely hear that amazing sound above the zooming of the ventilator.

I want to go outside, really bad. Sitting inside is not what I’m made for, I just want to get away from the medical air inside this room.

I jawn and glance at the clock. _7.10PM,_ no one should be coming to my room until it’s about nine.

I glance back at the window and shrug; it won’t hurt to go outside for a few minutes, right?

With that thought, I throw my blanket off me and drag myself out of bed. It takes some strength and time to get myself into my wheelchair, but eventually I succeed. All that’s left to do is get outside without someone keeping me from going.

I detatch myself from the nasal canula and make my way to the door.

When I get to the hallway there aren’t that many people, fortunately. I’m also lucky I don’t have to deal with elevators, since I’m on the ground floor. So, I’m able to get to the door, leading into the hospital’s courtjard, within a few minutes.

The door opens automatically, which is amazing because that way I don’t have to struggle getting my wheelchair through the door.

I wheel myself through the courtjard over the pathway and it’s beautiful. So much prettier than inside at least.

The rain is amazing as well, just so gently wetting my hair. This natural showing is so much more calming than the shower Natsuya gave me yesterday.

Here, I’m alone, independent. Only the rain surrounding me, comforting me.

I look up at the sky, stars are starting to appear and even though it’s raining there are only a few clouds in the evening sky.

I sit there in the courtjard, closed eyes, letting the rain wet my whole face. And something comes to me and suddenly feel like standing. I want to feel like nothing’s wrong, nothing at all.

I push myself up and almost flawlessly get up from the seat of my wheelchair. My legs are shaking as I search for my balance, but I’m standing… outside in the early-spring rain. The cold wind making my hair fly around, it’s so nice I draw out a relieved sigh.

Only, this moment of pure freedom ends when I hear knocking. The sound of fists on a window.

My eyes shoot open and I almost lose balance when I see Maki’s big blue eyes staring at me worrying. She’s just standing these, staring at me.

“What are you doing?” she mouths and gestures I should stay where I am while trying to mouth that as well. She disappears from the window quickly afterwards.

I roll my eyes and sigh.

“That was my m-moment of freedom,” I whisper to myself as I look up at the sky one more time. A drip of rain falls onto my forehead and slides down my cheek.

I can hear the doors opening in the distance.

My chest suddenly contracts and I break into a coughing fit. Painful coughs break themselves from my throat and a squeaky sound leaves my mouth.

While grasping for air, I try to sit back down in my wheelchair, but it’s too far away. My hand slides down from the armrest and I fall to the ground. My head hits something – I have no idea what – on my way down and my vision goes all blurry immediately after.

I squeak when I try to get air to go down to my lungs, but it won’t go through.

The last thing I see before my vision cuts out, are Maki’s white sneakers running into my sight, followed by a high-pitched sound.


	15. Emergency

**_Natsuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

A buzzing phone in my pocket, something I haven’t felt in days. It’s even stranger when I see Yoshida’s name on the lit up screen.

It’s 8PM, I have no idea why he feels like he should be calling me. I just hope Ikuya didn’t make a scene.

The cold screen of my phone against my ear, followed by a cold shiver up my spine because of what Yoshida tells me.

“Ikuya fainted, while he was outside without being anywhere close to a ventilator or oxygen tank,” he explains briefly.

“How did he get outside?” I ask, confused since Ikuya shouldn’t be able to get out of his bed on his own.

“We don’t know, but nurse Maki found him passed out in the hospital’s courtjard.” He pauses, but at the same time leaves me no time to react. “We had to take Ikuya to the Emergency room, they’re doing all they can right now.”

I look turn around to the door when I hear footsteps. Nao’s in the doorway, he confusedly frowns at me and mouths, “Who’s that?”

“Is he okay?” I ask before mouthing “Yoshida” back at Nao to answer his question.

Nao nods worrying and leans against the wall, listening to my conversation in silence.

“He’ll probably need a tracheostomy to get the air to pass through to his lungs again, but he’ll survive.” Again, Yoshida pauses. “It’s better if you get here, Ikuya probably rather sees a familiar face when he wakes up.”

"Yes, I'll be there," I answer, and before breaking the connection I thank him for letting me know.

"So, Yoshida?" Nao asks when I've put down the phone. "Anything happened with Ikuya again?"

I nod.

I have no idea how Ikuya could think going outside would be a good idea, and how people let him go outside to begin with.

I get up from the bench and say, "I got to go, I believe Ikuya needs me."

Nao nods and asks, "Should I give you a ride?"

I shake my head and tell him I'll take a cap instead. Right after I go outside, making sure I'll be with Ikuya as soon as possible.

I arrive at the hospital's entrance hall some time later.

The lady behind the desk tells me I can go upstairs, Ikuya will be there since they've already completed the needed surgery.

I swallow as I take the elevator to the second floor.

What if this is worse than I believe it to be as well. I shrug off the thought and walk through the hallway.

I arrive at Ikuya's new room not long after. I expected Yoshida to be there, but instead Maki geets me right when I open the door.

"Good evening," she says and she smiles at me sadly. "Sorry I let this happen."

I glance at the floor and tell her it doesn't matter. "Ikuya can be stubborn sometimes."

She chuckles and admits, "Yeah, I don't think he will be after what happened today." She gestures at Ikuya, still asleep.

He's lying in his bed, a thick tube attaches a ventilator to a hole in Ikuya's throat.

"What did you do?" I whisper as I walk closer to Ikuya.

"They had to insert a tracheostomy, which is a tube in his windpipe connected to the outside of his body. It makes it easier for him to breathe." she says. "He wouldn't have survived otherwise."

I stare at Ikuya and already can name one thing he probably can't do with that thing; swimming.

He'll hate it, I know so.

"And." I can hear Maki swallowing. "Uhm, there's another thing. I'll get harder for him to talk, the air doesn't go past his voicebox anymore, so he'll probably have to learn it again."

I gasp. Why didn't they wait for me to arrive, at least ask for my permission. Ikuya is going hate this so much, it's probably painful and he cannot swim or talk.

I breathe in and out, trying to stay calm. I tell myself they had to do this, Ikuya wouldn't be here otherwise.

I turn around to Maki.

"How long do you think it'll take for him to wake up," I ask.

Maki shrugs. "I think about half an hour."

I nod.

"You can stay with him if you want," she tells me. "Maybe he'll like to see you instead of one of us."

I nod again and sit down next to Ikuya's bed.

"I'll stay."


	16. No Voice

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

My eyes move underneath my eyelids.

_Why can’t I open them?_

My chest moves up and down as I breathe in and out. Pain is all I feel as a slurping sound echoes as I open my mouth. The hurt coming from my entire neck and throat.

I force my eyes to open, I have to know why breathing feels so strange… so painful.

My eyes slowly open, trying to focus on the ceiling above me.

It hurts when I move my head, like something is stuck to my throat trying to keep me in place.

I spot Natsuya sitting on a chair next to my bed. He’s glaring at his phone, I don’t think he’s noticed I’m awake. So, I open my mouth to call his name… but no sound comes out. I can hear a slurping-like sound, but no voice, nothing.

Natsuya looks up, his eyes immediately seem to tear up – for some reason – but he doesn’t cry.

“Ikuya,” he mumbles, his eyes shooting from me to something else – I can’t see what. “Don’t try to speak, please.”

I frown and open my mouth wanting to ask why, but again there’s no voice to be found.

“Look, Ikuya.” Natsuya seems to be searching for words he can’t find. “They did… you can’t talk, okay.”

I feel like throwing up, how does he mean “I can’t talk”? A moment ago I was able to talk perfectly, okay with a stammer or two, but it wasn’t like I couldn’t talk.

I open my mouth, pushing and forcing for a sound to come out. But after a moment of trying I realize Natsuya’s right, my voice is gone.

Maki moves into my sight and I can see a worried look on her face. She tells something to Natsuya, who nods, but I can’t hear what Maki said.

She turns back to me and smiles sadly.

“I’m sorry, Ikuya,” she says, turning her head away. “You passed out and for as far as I know you couldn’t breathe.”

I stare at her as she talks, not knowing what she’s going to tell me scares me a lot.

“They had to place a trach, do you know what that is?” she asks. “Just try to nod for _yes_ or shake your head for _no_.”

_A trach? What now?_ I shake my head as an answer to her question.

Maki nods and mumbles, “That’s what I thought.”

She pauses, I think she’s searching for the right way to explain it. After a few seconds, she opens her mouth again, “Well, the simpelest way to explain it is: a tracheostomy is a surgery where there’s an opening created in your neck to place a tube into your windpipe. We had to do this to allow the air to go to your lungs again, otherwise you probably would’ve died.”

I nod, slowly… I still don’t completely understand how that has an influence on my speech, though. Maki seems to notice this so she adds, “About the talking, you can’t right now. Since the air you breathe doesn’t pass through your vocal-box anymore it’ll be harder to talk.” She pauses, forcing a sweet smile. “But as soon as you’re used to breathing through the trach, I promise I’ll teach you how to speak with a speaking valve, okay?”

I nod, even though I have no idea what a speaking valve is. I don’t mind what they have to do as long as I’m able to talk again, because not being able to is uncomfortable.

“Ehm, Ikuya?” Maki asks, she’s holding a small mirror in her hands. “Would you like to see it… I mean you’re trach?”

I hesitate, what if it scares me or makes the wound even more painful. But eventually I nod.

Maki holds the mirror in front of me and I can’t do anything else except something that sounds like a slurping gaps.

A tight rubber band around my neck is holding a tube in place. The thick tube entering my windpipe through a hole. My skin is flaming red and painful all around the tube. The tube itself is attached to an even larger tube, hooking me up to a ventilator.

It looks terrifying, not nice at all. I look like I’m actually a disabled person, not even able to breathe and maybe that’s what I am.

It’s not the right way to think, I know, but it’s the truth. I can’t do anything on my own anymore, not walk, swim, eat, sit up right, talk… I can’t even breathe without special equipment anymore. I’m basically a indepented human trapped inside a disabled body… and it hurts… a lot.

Natsuya’s staring at me as I try to work through all the information which has just been thrown at me. This sucks, of course… I can’t say I’m not angry, or sad, or terrified, because I am. But somehow all my emotions and thoughts are just scrambled into one large mix of nothingness.

I just stare at the wall, past both Natsuya and Maki.

And keep staring.

And keep breathing.

And I do that until eventually I hurt so much I burst into tears.


	17. Tons of Beer

**_Nao Serizawa_ **

****

****

I put my key in the keyhole and go inside. I hear grunting coming from the livingroom and it sounds like it could be Natsuya. Maybe he’s sleeping, but why in my livingroom?

I take off my coat, shoes and go inside where I see Natsuya sitting on the ground. His back against the couch and surrounded by empty bottles of beer.

Shit!

“Uhm.” I clear my throat and straighten my glasses. “Natsuya?”

Natsuya looks up, his body is swaying and the blushes on his cheeks tell me isn’t sober anymore.

“Huh?” he mumbles before taking another gulp of his beer. “Oh, Nao, you are beautiful tonight. Hihi.”

Clearly drunk… but why? I wonder as I walk towards him.

“Say, Natsuya.” I pause. “Why are you drinking so much?”

Natsuya shrugs, but then his face saddens when he says, “Ikuya fucked up.”

I frown. I recall some doctor calling Natsuya this morning, but it must be really bad if Natsuya’s drinking away his feeling again. He hasn’t drank this much since the moment Ikuya woke up.

“What happened?” I ask, actually just repeating my question hoping Natsuya will answer a little more normal this time.

Natsuya rolls his eyes and takes another gulp. “No, no, I mean everything is fine…” He groans, making it clear that it’s not fine. “I mean, apart from the fact that they performed surgery on Ikuya without asking me first and now he can’t talk.”

I gasp. _Can I believe Natsuya when he is this drunk?_ I wonder. _I don’t know, but he looks like he’s speaking the truth._

“No, of course, they don’t have to discuss making a hole in his windpipe before doing that,” Natsuya continues, gulping down beer in between words. “And afterwards leaving me to explain my crying little brother he can’t talk or swim or whatever.”

He throws his empty bottle onto the floor, leaving shattered glass on the ground.

“No, but really,” he says sarcastically, but his voice breaks. “Great hospital… Yeah, so happy with them helping… can’t you see?”

Natsuya grabs for another bottle, but I step in before he can drink another beer. I crouch down next to him, one hand around the bottle of beer and my other hand wrapped around his wrist.

“I think you had enough,” I say quietly, carefully taking the bottle from him. “Don’t you think?”

Natsuya groans before starting to breathe a little slower. But as he seems to get calmer, he suddenly starts to cry really hard.

Sobbing, he leans with his face against my chest. His body shakes heavily as I wrap my arms around him.

“Look, Ikuya is going to be okay,” I whisper, but I doubt he can hear me. “Right now I’m more worried about you.”

Natsuya stops sobbing for a second and he mumbles something inaudible before his arms wrap around me as well. He holds my tight, his fists clenching the fabric of my shirt.

“You haven’t slept a full night in weeks, Natsuya,” I say, knowing it is true since he gets up for a midnight snack every single night. “I think you’re just tired, which is making you worry a lot more than needed.”

Natsuya sobs again, he buries his face in my armpit and I can feel him nodding.

“Well, why don’t we both go to get some sleep then?” I ask.

Natsuya nods again, but he doesn’t start to move to the bedroom. He just sits there, his wet face pressed against my chest. He’s crying, but not sobbing anymore.

Eventually he goed quiet, and we sit there; on the floor, our backs against the couch. A crying Natsuya pressed up against me. And we sit like this for god knows how long, until I eventually hear snoring.

A smile appears on my face as I think to myself, _Natsuya has finally decided to gain himself some rest._


	18. Foolish

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

The pain of the wound in my thoat has lessened, but the mental pain doesn’t seem to go away. I got so far, I was walking again and I was able to do some tiny things on my own again and now I’m back to zero.

That hurts.

It hurts even more that today Hiyori will be visiting me, the only person in my surroundings who doesn’t know what happened two days ago. This afternoon, he’ll be coming by and suddenly find out I can’t talk.

I’m scared of how he’s going to react, he can really over-react from time to time.

And if that’s not enough, I have to explain it by writing and my handwriting is shakey and I’m not fast writer and… in other words: this is going to suck.

The door opens when I’m just getting my pen and notebook ready. The notebook was Maki’s idea and I don’t know whether I am thankful or not.

Hiyori walks inside, happily getting ready to greet me when our eyes meet. His eyes slowly move from mine to the tube entering my windpipe.

Hiyori mouth opens and there’s a look of confusion on his face.

“What happened?” Hiyori quietly asks after a while.

I glance away, bending me over the notebook right after. My pencil shakily scrapes over the paper as Hiyori confusedly asks, “What are you doing?”

I stay quiet – of course – and try to focus on writing as fast as I can.

“Ikuya, what is wrong? Just talk to me,” Hiyori desperately says.

I swallow, I knew he was going to say that, of course. I feel tears coming up, but I won’t cry… not again.

I finish my sentence and hand the notebook to Hiyori.

“Had a little accident, couldn’t breathe,” Hiyori mumbles the words I wrote down while reading. “They performed surgery for me to survive… Can’t talk.”

Hiyori stares at the notebook and when he hands it back to me I can see his hands shaking. I turn my head down to my lap and the awful sluping-sound of me taking a deep breathe echoes through the room.

“Will you be able to talk? Like, ever?” Hiyori asks after a long silence. He’s taken a seat by now and he looks paler than ever, like he’s going to throw up.

I nod, once.

Another silence, the only sounds are me breathing and the ventilator pumping air through the tube.

“The accident,” Hiyori breaks the silence. “How did it happen?”

I put my pencil back on the paper and write down _“Long story short: I went outside when it was raining. I was alone and passed out.”_ and hand the notebook back to Hiyori again.

Hiyori reads it in silence this time, his face becoming even paler as he looks up at me. His mouth opens, closes again and then a hint of anger appears on his face.

He shoots up from his chair, thowing my notebook to the floor.

“How could you be so stupid?” he yells at me. His voice breaks with every would he forces from his throat. “You’re inside for a reason, you know! You can’t just… Ikuya!”

He falls back into his chair and I watch as he starts crying. In between sobs he manages to bring out the words, “How could you be so foolish?”

He looks up at me, but I immediately turn away.

Normally I’d get mad with Hiyori for yelling at me, and calling me foolish. But now’s not normal, I know that. And, honestly, Hiyori’s right. I’ve done something stupid and if I could go back, I would’ve stayed in bed knowing that if I’d go outside I’d end up even more crippled than I already was.

“I’m sorry.” Hiyori’s voice quietly echoes through the room, he sounds upset but not angry anymore. “I’m sorry for yelling at you and for calling you a fool. Just, please, don’t be mad with me, Ikuya.”

I hesitate before turning back to Hiyori, but eventually I look back at him. His face is red and his eyes are still filled with tears. He looks defeated and that’s putting it mildly.

I reach out, my shaking hand weakly resting on his knee. Hiyori looks up at me and sniffs. Right now, if I could talk, I would tell him it’s okay and he’s right because I shouldn’t have done such foolish thing. I would tell him I’m not mad at him in the slightest and I’m glad he yelled at me this once.

But I can’t… so I look Hiyori in the eyes and force a smile, trying to let him know what I want him to hear.


	19. Replacement

**_Hiyori Toono_ **

****

****

_Swim! Just, swim!_ The voice in my head is yelling at me, shrieking. I just need to get faster, I mean it’s Ikuya we’re talking about here.

Last training before tomorrow and the tension is real this time.

My hand touches the wall and I get above water within a fraction of a second. I don’t even take the time to take off my goggles before checking my time.

“Yes!” I shriek as I see I’ve finally gotten to Ikuya’s level of swimming.

“Good job, Toono,” Tsubasa says, he sounds proud what can be quite strange for a stern captain like him. “I’m sure you will be a great replacement for Ikuya’s Individual Medley.”

Ikuya’s replacement, it sounds weird. It’s like the team actually wants me to replace Ikuya, but I know that’s not what they want. It’ll just be me swimming the IM instead of Ikuya this tournament, because he got… well, _it_ happened. It was too soon before a tournament to step out of the race and we didn’t have anyone else who’s as good at the IM as Ikuya was.

I take off my goggles now and get out of the water.

“Thank you, sir,” I say when I’ve caught my breath.

Tsubasa smiles at me, a proud smile. That’s a smile I couldn’t get out of him a week ago when I forced him into letting me be Ikuya’s replacement instead of someone else. Everyone else kind of agreed with someone replacing Ikuya, but strangly no one wanted me to replace him. I somewhat get it, I’m only good at Backstroke and Freestyle, so I’d be logically to let someone swim who’s good at all four strokes.

Eventually I got them to let me do it anyway, I’m Ikuya’s best friend after all.

“How’s Ikuya doing, by the way?” Tsubasa asks while I’m gathering my stuff before leaving the swimming pool. “I haven’t heard you mention him for a while now.”

I smile and answer, “He’s doing okay. I mean, he won’t be swimming anytime soon, I’m afraid, but other than that he’s fine. I’m going to him now, so I can tell him you said hi if you want me to.”

Tsubasa smiles while nodding. “Yes, that would be nice of you. Thank you.”

I nod and make my way to the changing room, I’m kind of hasty since I promised Ikuya to be at the hospital at four and it’s already ten past four.

“Hey, Toono!” Tsubasa calls after me and I can barely hear him, because I’ve actually have already gone through the door. “Ask Ikuya to come watch the tournament tomorrow, okay!”

I quickly turn around and reply, “Will do!” before putting on my normal clothes as fast as I can.

I’m still catching my breathe when arrived in Ikuya’s room. He must’ve fell asleep while waiting for me, because when I enter the room his eyes are closed.

His chest moves up and down as he slowly breathes. It’s nice to see he’s not attached to the ventilator anymore, but just breathing through the tube. Not that the hole in his throat doesn’t look strange, but at least he’s somewhat breathing on his own again.

I bend over Ikuya’s sleeping body and hesitate before waking him up. What if he’ll get grumpy if I wake him up? Maybe he won’t want to watch the tournament if I wake him up in the middle of his nap.

I shrug away the thoughts and carefully place my hands on his shoulders. He for sure has gotten lighter and his shoulders are less muscular than they used to be. I ignore the weakness of his body as I carefully shake him.

Ikuya groans before opening his eyes really slowly. His mouth opens a little and a ghost of a smile appears on his face.

“Good morning,” he says, to my surprise.

When I was here two days ago Ikuya couldn’t talk in the slightest, he wasn’t even able to make a sound. But those two words clearly came from his mouth.

“Wait?” I confusedly ask. “Since when can you…”

“Talk?” Ikuya interups me, he smiles.

I nod.

“Yesterday, it is still hard though.” His voice is weak and very quiet. It sounds fragile even, like it could disappear any moment.

I smile at him, glad he seems to be feeling more comfortable now he’s able to talk again. I get it, he must’ve felt really weak when he couldn’t even answer people’s questions by simply talking to them.

“So, you had a good nap?” I ask, changing the subject. I have to get to the subject “swim tournament” somehow, but I have no idea how.

Ikuya nods and pushes himself upright a bit.

“Can you give me the bed’s remote control?” Ikuya mumbles, his voice squeaks and crackles with every word he says. He sounds like he’s back in puberty again, kind of cute if you ask me.

I nod and bend over to hand the remote control over to him.

“So,” I begin as Ikuya’s putting his bed upright. “As you know, tomorrow there’s a swimming tournament.”

Ikuya glances at me, frowning as he puts down the remote control. “Yes?”

“Well, I’ll be swimming the IM instead of you,” I tell him and I only now realize how long I have kept this a secret from him. Up to this moment he hasn’t known I’ve been training to replace him at this important tournament.

Ikuya nods again, confused this time.

“So, I was wondering.” I pause, my eyes meet Ikuya’s and I suddenly don’t know how to ask him to come watch me. I don’t know if he even wants me to replace him, or show himself to the swimteam for as long as he’s this weak… or whatever.

I turn away before quietly asking, “Would you want to… Will you come to watch the tournament?”

His reply… silence.

I look up, his eyes meeting mine within a spit second. They’re filled with tears, which are already running over his cheeks.

“Sorry, I know I’m asking a lot of you,” I say, getting ready to be rejected by my best friend.

Ikuya blinks, more tears start to drip down his face. His mouth opens and he smiles before telling me, “I’d love to.”


	20. Individual Medley

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

"And we're going down." Maki grunts as she helps me into my wheelchair. I still think it sucks that she has to help every time I want to go somewhere, but this time it's worth it.

I flop down onto the seat and catch my breath. It takes quite some effort to go from the bed into the chair.

"You're sitting okay? No painful pressure points?" Maki asks as she crouches down to help me put on my shoes.

"No, I'm sitting okay," I answer. Sometimes it still hurts to talk, but not more than a simple sore throat.

"Are you sure? You're going to be sitting all day."

I wonder why Maki is acting so worried and hyped up today. Maybe it's because I'm going outside of the hospital all day without actually being released from the hospital.

"I'm fine, really."

I place my hands around the tires and get ready to make my way downstairs, where Natsuya and Nao will be waiting for me. Unfortunately Hiyori himself couldn't be here with them to pick me up, since he has to get ready for both swimming his backstroke and my IM.

Maki takes one more glance at me before stepping aside. Finally, she opens the door for me.

"You can get downstairs yourself, right?" she asks as I push myself through the doorway.

I nod, thanking her for opening the door for me.

"Well, have a nice day then." Maki kindly waves at me when I turn my head to her, but goes back to work immediately after.

I take the elevator downstairs, where Natsuya's waiting for me. He waves as soon as he sees me and a bright smile I haven't seen in a while appears on his face.

I'm completely out of breath by the time I reach Natsuya, so I'm glad he starts pushing me towards the car immediately.

"Are you looking forward to seeing Hiyori swim the IM?" Natsuya asks cheerfully.

I shrug, it's honestly hard to tell. One second I'm really looking forward to it and the next I'm getting anxious about seeing my teammates.

"I'm quite nervous," I admit.

Natsuya chuckles and says, "Yeah, I can understand that."

We're silent for a moment, but that doesn't matter since we reach the car in no time.

Natsuya helps me get in the backseat while Nao - who's sitting behind the wheel - greets me.

"Good afternoon, Ikuya," he says, glancing at me with a smile.

"Hey, Nao."

I can hear Natsuya mubling in the background, I don't think my wheelchair fits in Nao's car.

"So, how are you?" Nao asks, and even though he never seems to hesitate before asking something, I can hear doubt in his voice this time.

I shrug and smile at myself. "I'm doing okay, honestly."

Nao smiles gladly and tells me, "In that case, you're probably doing better than Natsuya. He was so stressed out this morning."

I chuckle, I never thought Natsuya would ever get stressed out about something like this.

"I'm what?" Natsuya asks as he flops down in the shotgun seat.

"Nothing," Nao answers, winking at me in the rear-view mirror. After that he starts the car and we start driving.

It doesn't take too long before we get there, but I still notice I get more nervous with every second that passes.

Eventually, Nao parks the car and all that's left to do is go inside. My heart's almost beating out of my chest when Natsuya pushes me over the parking lot, towards the entrance.

A person is waving at us at the entrance, at first I wonder who it is, but when we get closer I see it's Hiyori.

"You actually came," Hiyori says when we're close enough.

I chuckle and tell him, "Like there was any doubt about that."

Hiyori awkwardly giggles. Right after, his face goes serious again.

"Let me take you to your seats," he says, opening the door for us. "Natsuya, Nao, you can sit with our team so you can stay with Ikuya. Is that alright?"

I hear nothing, so I bet they nodded, just like I did.

We follow Hiyori inside. The calming smell of chlorine enters my nosetroles. I inhale it through my nose, my trach making a protesting sound.

Hiyori turns around. There's a slightly worried look on his face when he says, "Shit, I didn't think of the stairs. We're sitting all the way down there." He points at our team, at least three full stairs below us.

I look down at my lap, I doubt we'll get me down there.

Instead of freaking out, Natsuya chuckles. He glances at Hiyori and Nao, then turns his face to me and grins.

"You two," he starts, looking at Nao and Hiyori. "Take Ikuya's wheelchair and lift it down."

Nao and Hiyori glance at each other and shrug.

"And you." Natsuya turns to me and smiles. "I'll carry you on my back."

I almost don't believe him, it'd be quite dangerous for me to hang on to his back when we're walking down the stairs. But to my surpise, Natsuya doesn't seem to be joking this time.

I shrug before trying to push myself out of the wheelchair. Natsuya crouches down in front of me, his back towards me.

It's not too hard to climb onto his back. We're walking downstairs before I know it.

One of our teammates turns around, quickly people follow and within no time everyone is looking at me.

What a way to make an entrance, on the back of your older brother. It's almost embarrasing.

But to my surprise people start cheering me on, cheerfully yelling my name. And as soon as Natsuya puts me down in a chair, my team immediately surrounds me.

"Hey, Ikuya!" a voice says.

"You're here!" another follows.

"How are you, Ikuya?"

"We're so glad to see you!"

I smile. I didn't know they would be so happy to see me, it's not like I've ever really done things with them apart from swimming after school and at tournaments.

"Ikuya?"

I look up, I feel fear crawling up my spine. I knew I was forgetting something, and now I know it again.

That voice belonged to Makoto, who's now worriedly glaring at me. Asahi, Kisumi and Haruka are standing my his side.

They're probably the only people I've known for so long who I haven't told about what happened.

I look down at my lap and swallow. It's like a brick is trying to move down my throat.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, when I look up I see Natsuya smiling at me calmly.

"Don't worry, I told them what happened," Natsuya whispers.

I nod. I'm glad he did that, honestly, otherwise I'd have a lot to explain.

"We just didn't know you would be here today," Asahi adds.

"Yeah," Makoto says, the worried look get replaced by a kind smile. "But we're glad to see you're doing okay again."

Kisumi nods, so does Asahi. But Haruka, he just stands there staring into the distance with his head turned away from me.

"Haru?" I ask, worriedly. Could he be mad at me for making such stupid mistakes over and over again. "I-is something wrong?"

Haruka glances at me from the corner of his eye, but doesn't answer.

Makoto turns to Haruka before looking back to me.

"He probably doesn't want to admit it," Makoto tells me. "But he was really worried too."

I glance at Haruka and ask, "Is... is that true, Haru?"

Haruka shrugs, which for him means a "yes, quite". I don't know what to say, I made everyone worried. Even the people who aren't always around me, I made them worried.

A silence forms some kind of awkwardness and I feel like my whole body is trembling.

"Freestyle swimmers, get ready," a voice blares through the speakers.

Everyone stays silent, nobody moves until Makoto turns to Haruka and says, "You need to get ready, Haruka." He pauses as no one replies. "You too Asahi."

Haruka shrugs and starts to walk away. Asahi, Kisumi and Makoto follow, but they do tell me goodbye before leaving.

I look down at my lap. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to come here today.

"Ikuya!" Haruka's voice echoes through the hall.

I look up and turn my head until I see him. He's standing halfway one of the stairs and he's staring at me.

Our eyes meet and he frowns. He looks mad, but at the same time there's softness in his eyes.

He points at me and yells, "Promise you'll swim with me again!" His voice breaks, something unusual for Haruka.

I look down at my lap and swallow. I can feel everyone's eyes, they're staring at me.

People are waiting for an answer, but what can I say. I cannot say I'm not going to swim with Haruka again, that'd sound like I've given up on swimming, which I haven't. But I also can't promise I'll swim with him again, because I don't if I'll ever be able to.

I try to breathe calmly, but feel my entire body shaking heavily. My breath jolts and my trach slurps as I open my mouth.

I turn back to Haruka and nod. "I promise I'll do my best to swim with you again." It's not a lie, I'll try my best, but neither do I say I will swim with him again.

Haruka nods, and I'm almost sure to see a ghost of a smile on his face as he turns away from me.

I look back to the pool in front of me and stare into the distance. I can feel Hiyori, Natsuya and Nao watching me, but no one says anything.

We're still silent, even when the races begin.

We watch Haruka get first in Freestyle, Asahi gets second. Makoto doesn't swim, but by the time the Backstroke swimmers need to get ready, Hiyori turns to me.

"Wish me luck," he says with the smile, before getting ready to walk away.

I glance at him, even though I know he's probably going to do well in Backstroke. I'm more worried about his IM, since he's quite sloppy when it comes to the Butterfly and Breaststroke.

"Good luck," I tell him.

Before walking away, Hiyori informs us he won't be coming back to his seat because he'll be getting ready for the IM right after this race.

I nod.

"Win for me, okay?" I tell him and smile as bright as I can.

Hiyori smiles back and tells me he'll try his best.

And his best he does. He becomes second in Backstroke and not long after he's standing on the startingblocks again.

I stare at him as he bends forward, ready to jump into the water for my IM.

I'm nervous for him, he's never done something like an Individual Medley before. But when he dives into the water he looks so profecional.

He swims, not coming upfront immediately.

I feel my hands folding into each other, as if I'm praying for him to win.

Strangely, it seems to work. Because on that day, one second before someone else, Hiyori's hand slaps the wall. I jump up from my seat, almost immediately falling backwards. But still I keep standing, and I try to keep my balance as I cheer for Hiyori.

His eyes meet mine and I'm almost sure he's crying. And so am I, but they're tears of happiness.

Today, my best friend has won... for me!


	21. Making the Promise Come True

**_Ikuya Kirishima_ **

****

****

Weeks, moths and even years went by.

And a lot has happened.

Starting with getting independed again, which took some time. I started off, not even able to breathe on my own. Therapy makes wishes come true; A few months later I was standing on my feet again and doing many things on my own again.

A little more than a year ago they removed the trach, to my relief. And as soon as the gap they made closed completely and I had been released from the hospital, I started swimming again.

Although I had to learn swimming all over again as well, I had fun and great help from Nao, Natsuya and Hiyori. Three or four times a week we would go to the swimming pool to practice. We did this for a few months before I got asked back onto the swim team.

It’s eight months after I got back in the team. I swam a lot with Hiyori and Natsuya, but they aren’t the people I promised to swim with again. I only promised Haruka, to be specific.

Today’s the day I’ll make my promise come true.

I’m just getting changed when Hiyori knocks on the door of the changing room.

“Yes?” I answer, my voice cracks. Stangely enough my voice still is very hoarse and not back to normal, even though they’ve removed the trach quite some time ago. But maybe the cracking and squeaking of my voice if worse today since I’m very nervous. This is the first real tournament I’m going to swim since over-training almost two years ago. 

“Are you almost ready?” Hiyori asks, he sound hasty. “We need to line up for the relay.”

I quickly put on my swimming pants and open the door. Hiyori is standing there in his swimsuit as well, he’s not even wearing his glasses anymore. I smile when I see Hiyori and answer, “I’m ready.”

He smiles back.

“That took quite long, I thought you passed out.” He pauses and chuckles awkwardly. “Or chicked out and climbed out of the window.”

I chuckle. I mean, I’m not saying I’m not terrified. The relay Hiyori was talking about is against Haruka’s team. And to make it even worse, they’re in the row next to us.

I haven’t told Haruka I’d be here, so it’ll be a surprise. Surprising him isn’t what I’m worried about, though. I’m terrified of how he’ll reply, I’m afraid about seeing – I haven’t seen him one time since the tournament where I made him this promise.

“You look like you’re going to throw up,” Hiyori tells me as we walk towards the pool. “Are you okay?”

I look down at my feet, the wet tiles are very cold underneath my naked soles.

“I am just nervous,” I mumble, admitting I’m terrified is something I’m still not something I’m used to, to be honest.

We get closer… and closer to the starting block and I can see Asahi and Haruka in the distance. They’re with two teammates I don’t know, but I do immediately recognise Haruka’s black and purple swimsuit.

Even though his looks haven’t changed at all in the past two years – he’s still wearing the same kind of swimsuit – he somehow looks like a totally different person.

“I get that, are you sure you want to do freestyle in the relay and swim against Haruka?”

Hiyori thinks I’m trying to go back after what I’ve promised, where I’ve worked for? No way!

“I’ll swim with Haruka,” I tell him. “I promised him, remember?”

Hiyori nods, but starts walking in front of me right after. I’m last up, so I have to make sure Haruka won’t see me before we go in. This can’t be too hard, Haruka normally doesn’t look at his opponents except when he knows who he’s swimming against.

I face the ground as we all line up behind the starting block. I quickly wish Hiyori good luck, since he has to start as the backstroke swimmer.

As soon as he’s in the water I feel my heart skip a beat. I’m nervous, within a few minutes I’ll be standing on the starting block. Haruka will be next to me and I’ll be there to surprise him.

Hiyori reaches the wall within no time and the next swimmer jumps in, so does their breaststroke swimmer.

I see how both my teammate and Asahi get ready to jump in for the butterfly stroke and I feel my heart beating right out of my chest when I realize I’m up next.

I breathe in… and out… another splash of the water on both my and Haruka’s team is my sign to step onto the starting block.

Haruka’s standing besides me, I doubt he noticed I’m the one he’s swimming against. So I breathe in slowly, my breath shakily goes through to my lungs.

“Hi, Haru,” I mumble as I turn my head towards him.

Haruka looks back at my, his mouth slightly opens as our eyes meet. He frowns and quietly asks, “Ikuya?”

I nod, and feel how a grin appears on my face.

“Yep.”

Haruka’s eyes go big and I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much emotion on his face. It’s like he’s about to burst into tears any second.

“Y-You actually came.” His voice still is monotone like always, but his eyes tell me he’s actually really surprised.

I nod and put on my goggles when I see my teammate turning at the wall. I glance at Haruka as we both get ready to dive in and say, “I promised, right?”

Haruka’s gasping is the last sound I hear before the slapping of the hand onto the wall.

I jump in and swim with Haruka besides me, like I promised him years ago.

**The end.**

**________________________________________________________________________**

**Hey!**

**I really hoped you enjoyed reading my fanfiction!**

**Let me know what you thought of it in the comments and give me some feedback if you're feeling like it, because I still have a lot to learn and an amateur writer always needs some feedback to improve.**

**Again, I hoped you enjoyed reading it and I also hope you'll have a good day :)**

**Love, Noa <3**

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,  
> just have to say that these characters do not belong to me, but to "Free!" of Kyoto Animation.  
> Also, this story is completed already, so I won't suddenly stop posting. There will be a new chapter every sunday and thursday afternoon, I promise!  
> After that little announcement I hope you'll enjoy this "Free!" Fanfiction :)
> 
> Love, Noa <3


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